Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D (2012)

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What if we taped two lightsabers together?

Director George Lucas

Stars Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and Natalie Portman

Things You Might Like

• Lightsaber duels
• In 3D!

Things You Might Not Like

• Jar Jar Binks
• Jar Jar Binks
• Jar Jar Binks
• Wooden acting
• Poorly written dialogue in a disjointed story
• In 3D!

Conclusion
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D represents the epitome of dashed hopes. While nothing could ever live up to the hype of the original trilogy, anything would have been better.

1 out of 5 Galaxies Far, Far Away

Josh Robinson

***

Stories are told of a time long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, where a LOT of cool stuff happened. There were starships and laser swords and space wizards and this huge freaking moon-laser-thing that could blow up planets!!! Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is not that story. Rather, The Phantom Menace is about the little boy who would grow up to be an evil space wizard with a laser sword who built the moon-laser-thing. Yes, as it turns out, the second most evil person in the Galaxy was actually a little slave boy once who built robots and raced in space-Nascar. Also, he’s actually a really nice kid at the moment. It…gets worse.

Perfectly coordinated in conjunction with the release of Star Wars: The Old Republic (an MMO with surprisingly good writing), The Phantom Menace 3D follows the trend of updating so-called “classic” movies and re-releasing them in 3D. For anyone who’s seen this movie before, you know that the word classic doesn’t belong in the same sentence as The Phantom Menace. All of that aside, I went to my local cinemaplex and I shelled out $14 to tell you of the dark terrors which no mortal should behold.

Let’s address the gimmick. 3D, as a rule, intrigues me. I find myself pulled to movies and games which offer to entertain me with the often-elusive third “D”. As a child of the 1990′s in America, I suppose this was inevitable. I am, as you can imagine, often disappointed. When it comes to this film, The Phantom Menace neither required 3D nor benefited from it. The entire movie lacked both visual and emotional depth. (See what I did there?!)

In all seriousness, I was waiting the entire movie for a moment that never came. I can look past the terrible plot and the even worse acting if there are moments that literally make me marvel at what’s on screen. But The Phatom Menace 3D offers nothing to engage the viewer. Rather, it cashes in on the current Hollywood craze of “updating” movies with 3D while at the same time preying on younglings who are enthralled by the  Star Wars cartoons and games. It’s deplorable.

Now, since this movie is well over a decade old, I won’t go into all the various aspects of the actual content of the film. If you’ve ever wanted to see these films you already have, so let’s not beat a dead horse here. If, for any reason, you require guidance on the matter, I will  give you the following: Watch Episodes 4-6, and forget that Episodes 1-3 ever crawled out of the mouth of Hell. The “salient” bits are that two Jedi Knights are sent to handle a trade dispute and end up: 1) Meeting the most annoying character in the Universe 2) Meeting the (eventually) most evil person in the Universe 3) And starting a war that, granted, they eventually win. Also, Liam Neeson dies. #Spoilers!

I sometimes wonder what this current generation thinks of the films. I recall, at age 10, being astonished at my Father telling me that Ewoks ruined Return of the Jedi. I couldn’t see what his problem with them was. As far as I was concerned, they were awesome. They were like Battle Bears or something. Only when I reached maturity and languished at the grim reality of the creature known as Jar Jar Binks did I finally comprehend my Father’s mind. I returned to the mountain peak on which he resides and wept at that knowledge for 3 days. 

So there you have it, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D  is a pile of garbage. And like the garbage, some people may occasionally find and rescue things of value. Lightsaber duels, what there are of them, are worth saving. However, the bulk of this film is trash and deserves to be thrown out.

Buy Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D from Amazon